How To NOT Suck As A Musician.

The REAL Steps To NOT Suck As A Musician

Please feel free to share this page link via any of your social media sites. You never know, it may help an ill intentioned musician pull his head out of his colon. Also, make sure someone is standing by with a disinfectant wipe to assist them in the removal of all that digested truck stop food when they finally see the sun again. 

I assure you...it's not going to be pretty.

 

1.) Accept that you are NOT special.

Right out of the gate with a stinger. 
Why don't you go draw yourself an oatmeal lavender bath, because after reading this and the next eleven; you'll be red and swollen. If that hurt you "in the feelers", you should really think about the industry you are attempting to become a part of. If you can't execute this first step, you may as well pack up your gear and the hand crocheted blanket your grandma made for you. This job wasn't meant for you.

I mean it when I say YOU AREN'T SPECIAL. Regardless, of what your Mom has told you throughout the span of your life, you've jumped on the crazy train of music and everyone that surrounds you more-than-likely does it better than you. Now is not the time to believe you need to have your ego catered to. Wrap your mind around the fact that the stripes we call RESPECT in this industry are earned. Check your ego at the door kid, the new state of music has created a better form of payment for obtaining success; it's called humility. 
Humility will get you further than self admiring temper tantrums, hissy fits, and reciting the over used phrase you are about to scream at me. "Do you know who I am?!". 
"Well, I vaguely know the name...but after this moment, I associate it with a jerk-face."

2.) Stop being a jerk-face.

This one makes me want to put my hands on my face and slowly slide them down making the sound of an injured velociraptor so as to create my own living portrait of Edvard Munchs’ 'The Scream'.

Seriously. Stop it. No, Seriously...stop being a jerk-face.

Nobody likes you, and the people you believe are your friends, are faking it...or are jerk-faces as well.

Relieving yourself in your bassists bunk isn't funny, neither is stealing the drunk girls purse to take her money to buy drugs, and it isn't funny that you took her phone to take "unsavory" photos to send to the contact that reads "Mom". 

Karma is a weird thing. I have witnessed bands that hit "roadblocks" and suffered failure. After knowing firsthand what they did behind the curtain, I couldn't help but think that it happened for a reason. 

Be a jerk-face...burn out...wash out. Karma is most certainly NOT a b*tch.  She knows what's up, and she knows where you live.

Understand that if you want a consistent following of loyal fans, you better treat ALL of them with the respect they deserve for spending their hard earned money for supporting your career. And, you better start treating your band mates with the same respect, you're in this freak show together.

3.) Don't get comfortable.

Don't get all comfy once you've played your first real show. 
You better spend every spare moment practicing your instrument, whatever it may be. Kids are smart these days, and after listening to their favorite song on repeat; evaluating every note, lyric, and drum strike...they are going to call you out via social media if you played to tracks and they'll also notice the "sound board enhancements". 

LEARN YOUR SONGS. PLAY THEM WITH PRECISION. EVERY...SINGLE...TIME.

If you don't, that die-hard kid from Pasadena; who waited in line for 4 hours to get front row in the pit will be let down. When that happens, he's going to be pissed, he's going to start his own band, work 10 times harder than you ever did, get signed, his band will get your spins, you'll get shelved, and he will make no mention of you ever influencing his style. He will tell the story of what made him decide to form his group on Serius XM radio...Kayla Riley will say, "It's a shame what happened to that band"...and you'll hear it on a second hand stereo while clipping your toenails in your moms basement. 

Never get comfortable. Leave an impression on every fan you meet...and make sure it is always a positive one. Everyone is connected and all those connections will always come full circle, this I promise you. Practice every day. PRACTICE YOUR INSTRUMENT EVERY SINGLE DAY. (period) 

4. Don't let a 'CHICK' control you.

A chick is a "young domestic foul". 
FYI, that wasn't a typo. 
(think about it)

If your female arm-candy decides you need to be her personal source of life experience, you need to reevaluate your relationship. Understand that there is an underground culture of feathered creatures (vultures) that exist to suck the life from you while riding the coat-tails of so called fame. It's a shame, but it is indeed...true.

At the time of this post, I believe I have bashed my forehead against the wall 9 times, due to a fellow musician informing us "she's pregnant".  

"Uh...you know how that happened right, bro?"

Stop making lifetime commitments based entirely on appearances and immediate sexual gratification.  Your depression and situational conflict will eventually trickle down to your musical career. Your 'chick' will cause a ripple in your business.  Find a WOMAN and respect her. If you chose to be single...cool for you...don't do anything stupid to mess up that plan either. 

5.) Save your money.

Oh the humanity! What is this, you say? Musicians with record deals don't pull in at least a million a year per member? Uh, No...No, they don't. Please send me the web address for the magic bubble you purchased to shield yourself from this thing called reality. (I really could use one myself)

If you are lucky enough to receive an advance, make a budget and live like a drill sergeant when it comes to your finances. The touring musicians pocket book is as convoluted as a nine sided Rubik's Cube, but if you are disciplined, you just MIGHT be able to make rent in 6 months...MIGHT.

Also, look at the costs of touring when it comes to the actual price tag of running your business. Do you really think you need a tour bus?  Really?
Write this down. (this informational jewel is worth about $1200 a day to your métier)
A negative account balance isn't worth the toilet you CAN'T poop in on a tour bus. 

Trust me on this one; WalMart super-centers around the country are filled with musicians in the restroom currently evacuating their colons. Us music wives call this "The Groundhog Day Effect".
In this business, it costs the same for everyone to poop...but there is a big difference in how much your wheels are going to cost to get you to the 'little boys room'.
Save your money. 
Find a cheap mode of transport.

6.) Curb your enthusiasm.
Having a positive attitude is the key to the metaphoric storage unit of success in the music industry. Just know that once you enter the building, there will be multiple hallways of doors that need to be unlocked as well. You need to work your butt off to get the keys to those doors as well...and each of these keys come with other 'costs'.

Everyone is going to tell you how BIG you are going to be and how HUGE this next single is going to be. Learn not to get excited. 

Hold on to your dreams, but be realistic about the outcome. It's going to be painful while you go through the process of traveling across the continent with only $12.86 in your pocket, but remember that this is what you wanted. You still have a lot of those dues to pay, no matter what anyone else tells you.

You will suffer loss of relationships,  financial hardships, your single might not get the right kind of attention, tours will get cancelled and...lets be honest here...there will be moments of manic depression. If you accept the fact early on that not everything will work out according to your 5 year life plan, you'll be much easier to live with when the ball drops. Sometimes an ENTIRE box of Superballs will get dropped all at once. Stay calm.

Nothing that is worth it is easy; it never has been or will be. Adapt to your surroundings. In the meantime, get to work and learn how to juggle. 

7.) Make intelligent life choices, not performance shock art.

It may seem that the world is your stage, it's not, the stage is your stage. You're not recording the pilot to your own reality show, so stop acting like it.

I know, I know...jumping off the top of the equipment trailer in attempt to make it to the roof of venue might seem like a great idea, but let me just be frank with you, drugs are dangerous...and even when you're sober...you're about as coordinated as a blindfolded kangaroo.

Your actions and potential injuries/jail time/ER visits effect others. (This is fact)

The party-goers may be cheering you on and screaming at the top of their lungs, validating your belief of how awesome you are but that all goes away after bus call. Your band members won't be so supportive during your 8 hour drive to Minneapolis.

Take care of your instruments and the body that plays them. Don't be "that guy" who thinks he is Steve-O. You can't play your guitar with a broken wrist, and the rest of the band is going to be pissed when they aren't getting paid due to cancelled shows.

Have a few beverages if it's your thing, but never loose control. Bad things happen when egos and substances come together. Bad...bad...bad things.  

8.) Evaluate the consequences of being naive.
Decades worth of 'Behind The Music' episodes exist for your research purposes. Take some notes. Your excuses are invalid when it comes to running your business.

My husband and I could write a book on what not to do, many already have, but by putting every little thing you need to know about this business in a double spaced and indexed manuscript would just encourage the already rampant entitlement mindset of this generation.

This isn't high school ladies and gents. Do your homework. This is real life and you don't get a free cheat sheet.

 

9.) Do background checks.
Hopefully, you have embraced and executed number 8 on this magical list. This industry is RAMPANT with criminal activity and people with perilous motives.  

(Cough-Cough) Not that I personally know this. (Cough-Cough) 

If you hire any outside source to have their fingers in your cookie jar, spend the money and do a background check. Don't just go on a raving referral from another insider. You just may find out one crisp fall afternoon that the insidious figure you once trusted used your bank account to fund the first round of cover ups of their prison tattoos with Paul Booth...and he ain't cheap kids.

Spend the money and do a background check. You're welcome. 


 

10.) Don't let yourself "go".

Months of truck stop cafes and fast food joints will give you a ridiculous Midwestern-style muffin top, so embrace the food-poisioning-butt-flu to save your image. No self respecting music fan wants to watch a fatty-patty-lead-singer sweating foam while he wheezes his way through the songs he wrote but doesn’t remember the lyrics to.

Sober up, shower once in a while, take care of your body, wash the pants that currently stand up on their own, burn the bunk socks, brush your teeth, and stop being so gross. 

11.) Don't sell out.

Congrats!
Your first two albums sold enough to afford studio time with a big producer and the label has now extended your contract for a third effort but they want to bring in a team of writers to create a 'radio friendly' hit.

Ask yourself if it worth it to completely change the sound and style of what you are "recognized for".
You won't be getting any royalty checks on it anyway, so consider the backlash from your fans.

Don't copy the work of others, write your own music.  Be inspired by others, but don't rip them off...and say no to others who think it's okay.

12.) Have respect for yourself and know when to hang it up.

This is where it gets complicated. There are a million reasons to get out of music, but only one that should keep you in it.

*Love for music*

If you're in this career for anything other than a soul burning love affair for music, please do us all a favor and get the hell out.

The rest of us musicians/wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends who are actually in it for the long haul want to say something to those of you who aren't in this for the sheer obsession of music and how it connects the souls of all the spirits on this big blue spinning ball... "You are the problem".


Until next time,
Jillian Rock

A Promise Delivered

I was terrified when I woke up yesterday; so terrified that I threw up twice.
I hadn't picked up a camera to shoot a wedding in 4 years, but there was no turning back on this Saturday. I had to do it, I made a promise to someone that I had not seen in 21 years.
I carefully cleaned the borrowed camera and double checked the charge on both batteries. I conducted multiple light tests in my living room and then took a deep breath as I walked across the kitchen to lift the truck keys off the hook. As I exhaled, a thought flashed through my mind and I briskly walked back into the bedroom to grab my biggest pair of earrings.
"She would approve of these" I said, feeling their weight and how they softly brushed the top of my shoulders.

The days mental checklist was running through my head as I put the key into the ignition. Would I be able to capture everything? Did I still have the skills to do it? Would I fail or even worse, would the camera fail? I didn't have the suitcase of equipment and backup gear that I once owned. Those items left my possession 4 years ago when the medical bills were crushing us and our propane tank was empty during a very cold November.

I was shaking as I turned the key in the ignition. It could have been the air temperature that was 28 degrees causing my chills, it couldn't have been fear; I flipped on the heater and waited a few moments in silence as it warmed up in the truck. My mind raced around thoughts of the past; the most recent was of the three of us as we sat in Perkins sipping on coffee and how he insisted that he didn't want anyone but me to take the wedding photos, then the day I got the call from my Dad saying that he was trying to track me down, and then even further back of his sister and I sitting on her bed reading cassette and CD jackets.

I smiled to myself and pushed the radio power button...
This came on.

. If you aren't familiar with the lyrics to this song, I urge you to read THEM. 

And then read THIS to understand what brought me to "today".

If you took the time to read both of those links, you're probably saying to yourself, "I didn't have tissues nearby!"

If you didn't read the previous post, please do so...or the rest of this won't make any sense.

Well, needless to say, I teared up as I put the truck in reverse. I had tears streaming down my face while I sang the song at the top of my lungs as I drove down the gravel road, watching the dust fan up behind the tailgate through the rear view mirror.
I love lyrics, I love music, and I love my Rock and Roll husband. There will always be a song to suit the situation, and I believed at that moment this song wasn't playing on accident. It was a message.

A day that was 21 years in the making was about to "go down" and all of a sudden; I knew that everything was going to be okay. I suddenly had all the faith in the world in my abilities and in the equipment my friend entrusted to me. I wasn't going to do a good job, I was going to steer wrestle, hog tie, and brand it while I sang 90's power ballads in my head.

And that's what I did...

I carried my best friend with me as we all watched her little brother get married. I didn't experience a glitch the entire day, and I was embraced at every turn from people that knew what his sister meant to me. I watched an incredible man make a promise to a beautiful soul that resides in a beautiful body...a man that I only knew as a kid. I saw a level of love that is hard to find these days, and I felt blessed to be a part of it.

I hugged his parents and her family, I reinstated friendships with people that I hadn't seen in decades, and I felt complete knowing that his sister was there with all of us.

Scott and Alysia, thank you for who you are, for all you have done, and for all you are about to do together. May you always look upon the images I am about to give you and may you remember every beautiful moment.
It was truly my honor to give you this "gift".

When I left the reception last night, I felt at peace. After unloading my bags in the kitchen and firing up the computer, I poured myself a glass of wine and began the process of uploading the images to the external hard drive. As I watched the photos stream across the screen I felt a wave of emotion and began to cry. Not just wipe-away-a-few-tears crying, but sobbing...holding my hand in front of my lips, steam covering the lenses of my glasses crying. 

I realized that something beautiful happened and I was able to capture every moment of it on "film". I was allowed a porthole-view back in time. I was able to give something to many while healing my own tattered and torn soul. I no longer felt the guilt of previous failure...I felt free. 

I don't know much, but I do know that we are all connected.  I also know that you can feel the same way you did two decades later when you see a family that you "used to know". I also know that everything happens for a reason.

Whatever you feel about yourself and the world that surrounds you, know that there will always be music that will carry you through. I climbed "High Enough" and faced all of my fears head on. I hijacked that car that had been trailing me for years and smashed the halogen bulb on the left side with a proverbial baseball bat. Know that you can do the same.

21 years later I realized that I can still drive it home...with one headlight. And with one single beam, you focus on what is important.

You get what you give. And I got everything I needed.
From this day forward, I am in the drivers seat...hold on, and watch this...We are gonna be whippin' doughnuts from here on out.

Much Love, Respect, and Support.
Mrs. Jillian Rock