Dear Music Wives

I've thought about writing this post for years...

I looked through the "blog" file on my external hard drive and saw dozens of posts that are written but not yet shared with the world. I think about my last post, and then about the hate that was sent to me. It left me rattled with a bad taste in my mouth. How could so many people across the world feel so strongly and negative about my positive words of encouragement towards someone who has lived under the microscope that the rest of us call fame?

Well, many did. And it broke my heart.

 I let it all go, moved on, and lived my life with my Rock and Roll husband. I focused on what I felt was important at the time; my son, work, home repairs, book writing, making dinners, playing with the dog, and talking to my closest friends. I closed up and shut down. The world became dark as I read news headlines and social media feeds. Hate was everywhere, and I wanted no part in it.

Then something happened...

Someone called me.

Someone I reached out to almost six months ago.

Someone I knew needed words of encouragement and support.

It's amazing how life happens and we forget how important we are in the grand design of everything.  We become trapped in our routines and believe that our focus should rest entirely on what we feel at the moment. After my first conversation with this person, I realized something...what I had to say could help someone who needed to see the positive in this life- being a rock and roll wife. She needed to know she wasn't alone.

I listened for the better part of an hour. I felt my emotions sway with hers and found myself thinking about the first years of my relationship with my musician husband.  The fear, the anxiety, the insecurities...they all came flooding back as I heard her voice shaking and sensed her heart shattering.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I can't give advice (because every life experience is exclusive to whoever is living it), but in my heart, I knew I had to tell the story of "us". The story of my husband and I, and how everyone who hears it in its entirety; gasps, cries with me, and ultimately finds something beautiful in the wreckage that AJ and I stand upon.

And that's what I did. I told her about what I have seen, how I almost died (literally not figuratively), how I survived and where we are now in the chaotic mess that is the music industry.  Still crazy in love, broke, but how I wouldn't change a damned thing.

You see, my husband and I haven't had a smooth ride in this music life. It's quite the opposite and when I look back at all of it, I often cringe. The twists and turns have been sharp, some of the people we know have been downright evil, the ups and downs have been many, and the downs...well...I've been told by my "Non-Rock-Wife-Friends" that it would be too much for them to handle.

I've been approached to council other "Music Wives" in the past, and the reactions of these individuals left me tainted and jaded. At the time, I didn't quite grasp the variables that exist in the human spirit. Some people aren't ready to hear the truth or admit their own faults. It's all a matter of where you are in your life. But this was information I had to see personally in order to digest and apply recently.

I look at marriage in a way that leaves many who exist in our current environment shocked. It's not a 50/50 partnership in my book, but 100/100. Because, a musician is always balls-to-the-wall 100% in or drop-the-mic-good-night-Detriot-I'm-out. As a musician's wife, you have to have the same perspective and passion for everything. 100% all in...or I'm out. It's your decision...not mine. It's how it works.

Gasp, I know, right?

Countless females throughout our society can't and refuse to take the time to understand the mind of a musician, and that's OKAY! Not everyone was designed to handle this lifestyle. But, those who can and do...can experience something far more rewarding than just a "normal life". Now, please understand the verbiage I just used to classify a simple life, and know that is was not placed there as a snarky pun to offend someone. Everyone wants what they want out of life; some want comfort, security, and a sense of control over their environment. Some of us want more than that, and that means uncertainty, creative drive, and challenge.

I'm just going to say this now, for those of you who have already decided not to read the entire article...(as you yawn, because you've got it all figured out)...you know...I'll save you some time, because everything needs to be easy. So here is the cliff notes version. Copy and paste, print, and hang it on your bathroom mirror next to the picture of you and your girls at spring break.

 If you want an ordinary life that allows you the gift of feeling secure, comfortable and in control of every waking moment of your life, do the world a favor, and find yourself a nice trust-fund boy who can meet all of your financial needs and stroke your ego. The music life isn't for you...period.

You get what you give. This is the law of the universe.

My new friend called me again this morning, I could hear the change in her voice. She was excited about what she had learned, just from listening to my stories that span the better part of a decade.  She said the magic words, "I won't give up". And it made me smile.

Every person is different, as I said before, they see what they choose to see and some are influenced by the thoughts and actions by others (who know nothing about the music industry, I might add). Take everything in, really think about it and decide for yourself. Some ladies walk through the music trenches with a chip on their shoulder, and an attitude that you can smell from a mile away. They give up too easily. They feel as though they are owed something.

You can't have that attitude, ever in my opinion, but especially not in this lifestyle. But that's an entirely different post that doesn't relate to this blog.

 For seven years (of what many consider hell on earth), I held on. I bore down even though my fingers were sore and my hands could barely muster the strength to keep my grip. I refused to give up, because I saw something beautiful in him and I would be damned if I would give up before he saw it himself. If you were wondering, he did eventually see it, and it was like every firework in the world exploded in unison as we held hands. It was more than beautiful.

I know that through all of this, I have gained another friend in the music circle. Not just an acquaintance, but a REAL friend. Over the weeks of our chats, I realized that this beautiful woman who was once scared and insecure about the relationship she was in, now possesses the strength and confidence that we all seek to guide our inspiration. She finally feels free to love who SHE IS while loving someone who is "famous". It made my heart smile to read her text today. She sees what is important...it isn't about fitting into some silly little box that society made to encase the Rock and Roll wife; putting her on display, for everyone to gawk at and make a fuss over.  It was about setting fire to the box and walking freely to live, love, and most importantly to create her own place in this crazy world.

Obviously, I'm not going to mention band names or her name for that matter, but I know she is going to read this message I am writing for the world to see. In a way, it's not just for her, but for all the women out there that live the music life. Love it or send the hate to my inbox, this is what I feel I need to say, and I'm not going to let a few dark hearts change the color of my own. 

Dear Music Wife,

You are special. 

I tell you this, because I know for certain that you can keep going...you are a REAL Rock Star Wife. You're not some superficial materialist bimbo who acts like a fool on a scripted television show. You're a real person who loves, feels, and works hard to show the world that music matters. You chose a musician and he chose you right back. You are special, because not many can handle or even think about what you deal with on a daily basis. 

You're a MacGuyver of sorts, a fixer of any situation, a mediator, a calmer of nerves, a juggler of all things. It's in your DNA to look past the ordinary and seek out the beautiful challenge and revel in its mystery. You have found the true energy of this world and hold it in your hands; looking at it with wonder, it's him. You see possibilities and you dream of the beauty in his soul. You didn't want an ordinary trip across town, you wanted a lifetime journey with adventure and suspense across the world...cheering him on the entire way.

The people around you want to hold you back, they demand conformity and tell you that you're crazy.  Well, you kind of are...crazy, that is...but you're an incredible kind of crazy. The kind of crazy that can change the world, and you often do...you change his.

Your love inspires him to write the music that helps people make it through their darkest times and they shout from the top of their lungs as they celebrate their little victories. Your love is that important to the world.

You are not alone and there is a way to live in this industry without selling out or losing sight of who you are. Don't let the walls of fame suffocate you. Shatter the glass...and feel the rest of us reaching out to show you that loving a musician can be truly rewarding.

 I say this to all of you, my sweet, beautiful, amazing, graceful women of music.
You may feel like you're falling at times, but I assure you that you're not alone. We all have felt defeated, pushed into the corner, told that we need to curb our enthusiasm, and been brought to tears with what feels like the worlds greatest struggles. But, those of us that have fought through the bullshit and kept our heels dug into the ground, eyes wide open, with fists clenched in support of the men we love, know what can be achieved.

I can't tell you what it is, because, well...it's difficult to describe and put into a blog post. You can't just read about it...you have to feel it to understand. But, trust me when I say, it's the kind of stuff they write books and make movies about. ;)

Loving a musician isn't easy, but I assure you, it's beautiful when you finally open your eyes. You get what you give. When you give 100%, you get it back...not immediately...but you will. Hold on and don't give up. The ride can be scary at times, but don't focus on the road, look out the windows from time to time and enjoy the view...it's much cooler watching the world go by from the windows of a tour bus. 

Until next time; love more, give more, reach out and share the journey. 

We are all in this together.

Love Always,

Jillian Rock